Why do we repeat negative relationship patterns?
They’re familiar. Even though we know it’s dysfunctional and not working well for us, we repeat behaviors because they feel familiar and we know what to expect from them.
We learned them as children. The beliefs, coping skills, and behavior patterns that we learned in childhood become deeply entrenched because we learned them when we were vulnerable, and our brains weren’t fully developed.
An unconscious effort to gain mastery over them. If you felt rejected, unloved, or powerless as a child, you may recreate experiences and relationships where you feel similarly in an unconscious effort to change the outcome – to heal yourself by gaining the acceptance or love of someone or to feel in control.
We think we deserve to suffer. Traumatized children are often told that they are bad and deserve to be abused or they are the reason dad drinks or the family has so many problems.
We repeat what we don’t repair…
Unfortunately, dysfunctional relationship patterns are learned and passed from one generation to the next. And we will probably repeat them until we heal the underlying trauma and feel lovable and worthy of being treated with respect and kindness.
We repeat dysfunctional relationship dynamics because they’re familiar. Even when you know something is “wrong” or unhealthy, it’s hard to change; it’s always easier to keep doing what you’ve always done than to learn and apply new skills.
Breaking dysfunctional relationship patterns
We can break old patterns, but the more you’ve done something, felt something or thought about something, the stronger those neural connections are – and the harder they are to break.
Here are some ways to begin changing your old relationship patterns:
Become more aware of the relationship patterns in your family of origin. These were the models for all your future relationships. You might find it helpful to read about relationship dynamics, write or journal about your childhood experiences, or check out our “Family of Origin” event.
Reflect on your own behavior. It’s also important to be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and understand the part you play in your dysfunctional relationships. Ultimately, you’re responsible for your own actions and learning healthier ways to solve problems, get your needs met, and cope with stress. Check out our “Love & Respect” event!
Heal the underlying trauma wounds. Dysfunctional relationships stem from abandonment, rejection, shame, and other painful and traumatic experiences. Until your emotional wounds and unmet needs are resolved, you will continue to seek healing from partners who are unable to make you feel loved or lovable. Check out our “Finding Forgiveness” event.
Learn and practice new skills. To change our relationship patterns, we also must change our behavior. This might include learning more effective communication skills, how to better regulate our emotions, and consistently practicing self-care. Check out our “7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” event.
Be kind to yourself. Making significant changes takes a lot out of you. Realistically, you’re not going to change long-standing patterns in a matter of weeks or months. So, be gentle with yourself as you slowly make changes, learn new skills, seek new insights, and learn and grow.
Change is possible! Check out our Upcoming Events
or learn more about our Mentoring Program
Content paraphrased from Sharon Martin, LCSW.