Needing to be right, by definition, means your partner must be wrong. You create a climate of you vs. me, as opposed to “us” against the world. It becomes a competition instead of a collaboration. It creates fertile ground for resentment to grow because no one wants to feel they are “wrong” all the time. A hostile cycle of score keeping and retaliation is set in motion that is detrimental to a happy relationship.
A fundamental flaw in this approach is that you both actually might be “right.” Most arguments aren’t about the facts, but about how each of you interprets those facts. A thermometer may measure the temperature at 68 degrees. The disagreement is about whether or not that is cold. The same is true about what’s messy, needy, silly, financially sound, etc.
A colleague, Dr. Terrence Real, says any fool can walk away from an argument when they know they are wrong. It takes a whole lot more to be able to stop arguing when you factually may be right. However, that is the key to having a successful relationship. You value your commitment to the relationship more than the need to prove the “rightness” of your position. The more you are able to do this, the happier your marriage will be.
Fearless Marriage Activities to Keep Your Love Alive:
Day One: Identify a repetitive argument you and your partner have. Examine the facts.
Day Two: Listen to your spouse’s position. If it fits the facts, accept it.
Day Three: Analyze what’s behind your need to be “right” for why it matters.
Day Four: Don’t comment on something you see as “wrong”–see what happens.
Day Five: Agree to disagree with your spouse instead of justifying or defending your viewpoint.
Day Six: Examine your expectations and find where you and your partner agree.
Day Seven: Act on what’s “right” for your marriage instead of what’s right for you.